I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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