I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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