so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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