Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
