Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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