So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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