its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
