So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man