I think my fart just growled at me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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