Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.