What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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