He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
