2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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