We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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