This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
