Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
