my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
