I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
