Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
