I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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