I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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