If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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