that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
