You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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