if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I skipped work to stalk him.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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