I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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