2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
