BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
