you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
