I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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