Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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