Just cropdusted the office
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
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I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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