You're my little dorito
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
