Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My bed smells like the plague
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