i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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