I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
