I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
