the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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