We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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