y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
