Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
