i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
