I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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