Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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