i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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