I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
