Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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