yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
