so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
