There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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