you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
should my penis look like a turkey
Less talking, more tequila
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
