eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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