This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have tasted many bathrooms
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
