just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
