I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
