Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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