I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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