If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
