Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
